Carolyn Hax: My mother-in-law 'is a total control freak'

We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are trying to figure out how to handle my mother-in-law, who is a total control freak. We’re both almost 25, been married nine months, have jobs, and live in one half of a duplex that my in-laws own. We pay our rent on time, are great tenants and responsible adults. If one of my mother-in-law’s “kids” (my husband, his younger sisters, and me) don’t respond to her text messages within an hour or so, she’ll bombard the others asking where we are and saying that something terrible has happened.

She keeps tabs on our commuting schedules and starts texting if we’re 10 minutes late getting home. I hate that she thinks I should report in to her if I decide to go shopping after work. She doesn’t need to know where I am 24/7! She literally called the police on the day after the Fourth of July because we didn’t respond to her 6 a.m. (!) texts. We’d been at a party on the Fourth, which she knew about, and decided to stay over at our friends'. And yes, we had told her we might stay over.

Okay, something terrible did happen to her — she lost both parents in a car accident, but that was over 20 years ago. Time to let it go. Since I’m resisting her control, she accuses me of being cold and standoffish and blames my parents. It’s true that my parents are very hands-off and raised me to be independent, but that’s a good thing, not like she thinks.

My husband is sick of her, too, but he always ends up caving when she starts crying. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. My MIL can be very sweet, generous and loving, but we definitely need to establish some boundaries; even my husband is in favor of that. He says we have to start small, though — any idea on how we do that?

— Frustrated

Frustrated: Your mother-in-law has terrible boundaries, and it’s time for a sit-down discussion with her. But first, you and your husband have to be on the same page. Your husband may benefit from the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I also recommend you and your husband connect with a therapist for support and guidance.

Let her know you love her and understand why she worries, but her level of worry is excessive and it’s impacting your relationship with her. Remind her you are adults and that, as husband and wife, you look out for each other. Tell her that you need to set some boundaries and ask her to respect them. She will most likely push back, but be firm and stick to your guns.

If she cries, give her a tissue. If she says, “You don’t love me,” say, “It must be hard to feel that way.” If possible, encourage her to see a therapist. But, let her know that this is what you need, and if she can’t respect your boundaries, you will have to block her number (or turn off your phones).

It may be helpful to tell her what she can do, how often (e.g., text once a day, call two times a week), and at what time of day. Be very clear about what is and isn’t acceptable, and then be prepared to follow through. If she texts multiple times, give a gentle reminder (“Hey, Mom, we asked that you text once a day.”). If she persists, then let her know what’s happening (“Mom, I’m turning my phone off now. I’ll turn it back on tomorrow.”). She’s going to be upset, but ignore as much as you can and stick with it. Hopefully, with time and consistent boundary-setting, she’ll catch on. Oh, and move out as soon as you can.

— Heather

Frustrated: I suggest that you and your husband arrange to have a discussion with your in-laws and state that you (both) will no longer respond to any texts asking where you are, unless relevant to some prearranged meeting.

State that you will no longer respond to texts from siblings asking the same. Explain that you find it invasive, and that you’ve decided as a couple that this is how it’s going to be handled from now on. Perhaps offer one daily text in the morning or at night saying hello and checking in, and that’s it.

Stop telling her details of your schedule that are not relevant to her. Offer no negotiation or backpedaling on this point. Reiterate that you value the relationship and are happy to continue to spend time with her, but that the texting and monitoring has to stop. Then, and this is key … both you and your husband must HOLD THE LINE.

Although there will likely be a period of tension and histrionics, I believe if she sees that those methods are ineffective she will eventually, even if grudgingly, respect your boundaries in the interest of keeping an otherwise pleasant relationship. Hopefully your relationship will be able to continue with more normal boundaries established moving forward. You don’t say where your father-in-law is in all this, but perhaps you can recruit him to be your ally in this plan and to help your mother-in-law refrain from some of her more intense reactions — such as calling the police.

You can’t control her relationship with the other siblings, or how they respond to her invasive behavior, but you can set boundaries in your own life. Hopefully, as the other siblings are younger, this may serve as a model for them moving forward. Although the above suggestion is geared toward your independence and peace of mind as a couple, with time perhaps you can help her find treatment for anxiety, as it seems she’s still suffering from a traumatic past.

Frustrated: I’m so sorry for you, your husband and your mother-in-law that you’re all navigating these rough waters. It sounds like a challenging, and frankly exhausting, situation for all involved.

I don’t know your mother-in-law, but I’ve been through the death of a parent and am sharing with you from that perspective. My dad died nine years ago, when I was a little ways into adulthood but still leaned on my parents for regular advice and support. After his unexpected death, my brain became deeply insecure about the safety of those I love who are still alive. This manifested in ways such as worrying about my mother if I couldn’t get a hold of her, even going so far as checking her phone location one time to make sure there was a reason she hadn’t returned my call promptly.

I’ve been fortunate that therapy, medication and some wonderful books on anxiety have helped me immensely. I’m now able to recognize and resist the anxious urge to check on the well-being of close family and friends when my brain is in high-stress times, as it is when I’m low on sleep or around anniversaries like my dad’s birthday. I cannot, of course, know whether your mother-in-law has any specific mental health challenges from your letter, and I’d certainly be unqualified to diagnose anyone. I simply want to share that grief is deeply complicated, lasting way longer than we’d ever hope or wish for; the urge to push others to “let it go” can be strong when we’re faced with its unpleasant tentacles in the brains of our loved ones, but even the healthiest of grief often lasts a lifetime.

Consider how you might raise the impact of her behavior to your mother-in-law in a loving way. My grief journey inevitably impacted those around me. I would have appreciated anyone taking on this level of exhaustion to check in with me at a time when I was feeling calm and secure, expressing their need to balance my fear and need for perceived control with their boundaries and care for their own well-being. Specific strategies that provide her with a clear sense of what to expect may help, like perhaps you check in twice every day at a prescribed time, then once every day, then every other day. If you’re struggling to find the words, a counselor with training in grief or anxiety may be able to provide some perspective.

— Wishing You Well

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous, unless you choose to identify yourself, and are edited for length and clarity.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZK6lwsicnGhqYGd%2FcHyTaGlpZ5OWv7C42KdkoZmoYrqwwMeeqWahnmK5osOMnKanrKKkuW6y0Z6YpGc%3D

ZingB

Carolyn Hax: My mother-in-law 'is a total control freak'